‘Some things cannot be fixed, they can only be carried’

At some point in life, everyone will be touched by the death of someone they care about - a parent, grandparent, sibling, child, friend, relative or pet. With the grief that comes with those losses, it can be hard to know what to do or where to turn. That is where EveryStep’s Amanda the Panda program comes in, aiming to help anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one.

Amanda the Panda

Amanda the Panda was founded by Joanne Zimmerman in 1980 in Des Moines. At the time, Zimmerman began the program as a way to support families with children who had been diagnosed with pediatric cancer. It soon became apparent to Zimmerman that she would be in more of a bereavement role versus support, as at the time survival rates for pediatric cancer were very low. In 1990, Amanda the Panda took over the role of bereavement support and began offering support groups for people who had gone through a death loss. In 2014, Amanda the Panda partnered with Hospice of Central Iowa and Visiting Nurse Services, and in 2018 EveryStep became the umbrella company.

“Our mission at Amanda Panda is to provide innovative grief support services that promote open healing for individuals, children and families,” said Vanissa Spencer, program coordinator for rural schools in Southern Iowa through EveryStep Grief & Loss Services, during a visit to the Osceola Public Library in February.

The Amanda the Panda program has a team of five who take care of different regions around the state, and more than 900 volunteers who help make their various programs successful. While some counties have more programs than others, every county in Iowa is served in some way by EveryStep.

Grief support

Throughout the year, EveryStep offers free support groups for adults and children aged 5 and older dealing with loss. The groups look to provide a safe, supportive environment where participants can find inner strength, form relationships with others, share their stories and receive peer support. There are five different sessions that run for six weeks each, meeting on Mondays from 6 to 7:30 p.m., with participants separated into one of three groups depending on their loss.

One group is “grief in common.”

“It’s not unexpected, it’s not anticipatory, it’s not traumatic,” Spencer said. “So your parent is older and they’ve passed away, but you still need grief support. This would be the group for you.”

Those participating in this group are grouped by age, with adults together and kids 5-18 divided by age or grade levels.

Another group is “traumatic loss” for adults 18+.

“[This] is usually survivors of people who have died by suicide, homicide or unexpectedly, [like] in a car accident,” Spencer said.

The third group is called “Little Footprints,” for those 18+ who have experienced infant or pregnancy loss.

Dinner is served at the support groups, and childcare for children under age five is available upon request. The first two sessions of 2026 are already underway, with session three scheduled for May 11 to June 22, session four July 20 to Aug. 24 and session five Sept. 21 to Oct. 26. Pre-registration is required, and opens the first of the month preceding the start date. To register, email griefandloss@everystep.org, call 515-223-5847 or visit everystep.org/grief-loss.

EveryStep runs a Cheer Box program through which people can nominate their loved ones who have experienced a death loss to receive during the holiday season.

“It’s a box with eight meaningful gifts in it, and they’re very carefully selected,” Spencer said. Gifts include a blanket to wrap yourself in when missing the warmth of a loved one, a book with different activities in it, a puzzle and an amaryllis bulb.

Over 500 volunteers come together the week before Thanksgiving to help ready the boxes, from assembly to wrapping to delivery, all completed by the second week of December. Nominations for Cheer Boxes can be submitted all year long, found on EveryStep’s website.

School peer-support groups, what Spencer does, are for students dealing with all kinds of loss, from death to an incarcerated parent, students going through the foster care system and more. The school support groups run for six-weeks, and operate similar to the community support groups in allowing the students to share their stories and connect with their peers while learning how to cope with grief in healthy ways.

“Loss is loss. And one of the things that we really talk about is that in school groups, no loss is bigger than someone else’s loss,” Spencer said.

EveryStep also offers other community support, such as workplace support or for specific groups or communities, supplemental programming and day camps for children and teens.

Grief is not linear

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the “Five Stages of Death,” inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. Over the years, the model has become known by various names, swapping out “death” with “loss,” “grief” and so forth, with some showing seven stages of grief. The model follows a mostly linear format with the first stage of denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance; Kübler-Ross also noted further responses or stages within the main five such as shock, partial denial, preparatory grief, hope, decathexis and so forth.

The problem with this model, Spencer said, is that grief rarely works on a straight line.

“There’s denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, all of that is with grief in every loss… it’s not linear,” she said. “We don’t deny that it happened and then get angry that it happened and then try to bring it back and change it back to the way it was before and then get sad and then accept it.”

She shared how when her father died of cancer, her first emotion was not of denial but of anger at what she believed to be the lack of care he received due to not having health insurance. Spencer said her grief journey went back and forth, and still does to this day.

“It stays there, just becomes easier to live with. I think you learn how to carry it, but that’s the reality,” she said.

Grief isn’t just the loss that comes from deaths either. There are big, non-death related losses, referred to as secondary losses, that can cause grief as well. These can be divorce, loss of a career, moving homes, loss of trust or control to name a few.

“Grief is all of these things and we say it comes equally - spiritual, emotional, physical, behavioral, cognitive,” Spencer said.

Those reactions - both visible and not - can be expressed as sadness or guilt, anger, sleeplessness, headaches, crying, social withdrawal, anxiety, reclusiveness, brain fog and loss in faith. These can be especially true when it comes to children and teenagers who maybe haven’t experienced the death of a loved one, but have experienced other losses.

Another type of loss is anticipatory loss, grieving done before the loss occurs. These can be for someone who has a terminal illness or some major upcoming life change. Spencer said in general, one type of loss will link to another. While grief doesn’t always have trauma, trauma will always come with grief.

“It doesn’t matter what trauma it was,” she said.

Taking care

Spencer noted that grief is not something that needs to be fixed, and is a normal emotion that comes with a loss. However, it is important to remember to take care of oneself while dealing with grief.

“You can’t take care of anyone else, if you’re not taking care of you,” Spencer said.

For some, grief can lead to wanting to self-protect and hide from that grief as though it will go away if not acknowledged, finding it creeps back in at unexpected times often through sensory cues.

“You forget what those things mean to you until bam, it’s in your face and you have to deal with it,” she said. “So it’s weird that those things are gone and you’re just moving on about your life like it’s nothing.”

Some simple ways to perform self-care can be as simple as journaling, listening to music or reading a book. More involved ways could be to try out a new hobby or take oneself out for a self-care day, and asking for help when you need it. Remembering a loved ones at holidays or on their birthdays, while hard, can also help on the healing journey, as can writing a letter to them, creating a memory book, making a playlist for them or doing acts of kindness in their name.

Resources

A variety of resources from books to websites to podcasts exist that deal with the topic of grief and loss. Some examples Spencer shared were:

Books

“Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy” by Sheryl Sandberg, Adam Grant

“Modern Loss: Candid Conversations About Grief. Beginners Welcome” by Rebecca Soffer, Gabrielle Birkner

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand” by Megan Devine

“The Hot Young Widows Club: Lessons on Survival from the Front Lines of Grief” by Nora Moinerny

“Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief” by Joanne Cacciatore. PhD

“No Time to Say Goodbye Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One” by Carla Fine

“The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents” by Alexander Levy

“Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief” by David Kessler

Websites/Blogs

www.whatsyourgrief.com

www.modernloss.com

www.optionb.org

Podcasts

Unlocking Us

Good Grief

Terrible, Thanks for Asking

What’s Your Grief

Miscellaneous/guided journals

Mindfulness/Meditation Apps: www.piedmont.org/media/file/Dottie-Fuqua-Mindfulness-App-Table.pdf

Grief Education for Grievers: whatsyourgrief.com/online-courses

On the Wings of Grief: A Bereavement Journal for Adults; www.stkingston.simplertimes.com

Grief Journal by Promptly Journals; promptlyjournals.com

To learn more about EveryStep’s Amanda the Panda program, services offered for volunteer opportunities, visit everystep.org or call 515-223-4847.